A small tale of rock, hotels and prostitutes.

It’s the middle of February and we run out of the hotel in Leeds at 2:00 pm as the snow starts to fall. We have to make it to Manchester for a gig at 9:00pm so we just throw everything into the car, all the gear drums, amps, guitars stuffed into the back with hardly any room left for me. Everything in the back but a fridge and a flat pack desk. The night before we played our 5th gig on the tour to a packed house full of goths, emo’s and punks and we didn’t give a shit if they liked us or not, we were on our first rock and roll tour and we are playing on 3 hours sleep and drunk out of our minds. We played for 35 minutes and on the last song the crowd jumped on stage with us and danced and crowd surfed the night away.
We get onto the road and instantly hit traffic and we see people moving faster than us trying to take cover from the snow which has now slowly turned into a mini blizzard, but we are safe and warm in the car listening to the Beatles. There’s nothing more peaceful and comforting than sitting in a car surrounded by gear and listening to rock and roll while sipping on a can of bud. I look out the window at the bus stop top a see an old man asleep on his wifes shoulder. We didn’t move from the same spot for 30 minutes and all the time he slept on his wives shoulder as she kept his hands warm. And I’m in a warm car having the best time of my life and all I can do at this moment is look at the couple at the bus stop and I think what was the best time of their lives. Was It their wedding day, the day they had their fist child or even the first time they went on holiday together. I’m on tour with my best mates playing rock and roll and sitting in a car drinking beer.
Two hours into the drive and the old couple have now gone and it’s now dark. The snow has disappeared but we are still stuck in traffic. The driver and bassist Liam turns around to me as we get stuck on a bride and says “I’ve just noticed, I ripped my pocket”
“What from climbing the wall last night”
“I think so yeah”. After the gig last night we decided to hit the town. We went into a geek club at one point and I had a conversation with a life like statue of Darth Maul. I looked deep into his eyes as I ate a dip dab and drinking a pint of Guinness and talked to him about philosophy, the meaning of life and the purpose or why before falling back off my chair and onto the floor. We left the club around 3 and started to walk back to the hotel when Liam turned to everyone and realized that he need to top up the machine in the car park for the car. So we started to walk to the car park and when we got there it was closed so Liam thought it would be a good idea to break in. So for the next 20 minutes he preceded to climb a wall like drunken spider-man, a spider-man that has really let himself go and forgot his costume. He paid the top up fee and got into his car and drove around the car park papping his horn and then reversed into a space near a wall, he got out jumped on the roof and over the wall as we walked around to get him where we found him lying on the floor asking for Gollum of the Shire.
When we made it back to the hotel we signed in a took the lift to our floor. Before the doors of the lift closed me and our band manager Dave decided to have a little mosh pit and my head got stuck in the doors and thus breaking the lift for a good ten minutes. Once we made it to our floor I decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall way banging on the doors but eventually I made it my room where I passed out on the bed next to Liam as he played cock or ball with himself.
In the car Ryan the singer and guitarist turned to me and said “Did you hear the guy at the door after you fell sleep last night”
“No”
“The security guard from downstairs came to the room and said if the little pissed one didn’t calm down I’ll be thrown out on my small arse”
“Well I didn’t hear a thing, plus Liam is bigger than he was so he would have had to go through him first”.
Six hours into the drive and we finally make it to Manchester, we got through the traffic and made it. We get a phone call from the other tour car and it’s Dave. He and Jay (the lead guitarist) have made it before we did and are waiting, they checked into the hotel and are at the venue and they are watching a band and we are on next and we need to get there fast. We search and we search and we can’t find it so we ask a local to help and he gives us directions. We Finally make it, we park up and throw everything inside as the last band finish up their set. We set up fast and do our line check and we start to play. We put everything into it, a 6 hour drive and we perform to three people, the doorman and the two bar staff. We finish our set to silence and we are covered into sweat.
After packing up we stand at the bar chatting away about what we are going to do next when two of woman walk in from the local prostitution scene and they come over to us and they know almost straight away that we are in a band. One had no teeth and the other had a wooden leg. They stand with us for the next 3 hours asking us questions and telling us how handsome we are and how cool it is to be talking to blokes in a band. I can barely make out what any of them are saying. When we leave they try to persuade us to stay but we don’t.
We go to a local shop and grab a case of beer each and then walk around for the next hour looking for a place to pick up a pizza. We ask the local drunks for some assistance but all them tell us to avoid every pizza place around Manchester. We finally find a place and pick up the cheapest ones we can get and we then make a move to our hotel. Jay tells us we will love this place when we get there. We walked through the doors to a lobby with a fountain and palm trees and a sign saying it’s happy hour all the time at the bar. We get into the lift and it starts to make a noise that great horror movie film makers would be proud of. We finally get to our room, tired, hungry and drunk and a little relived the lift hadn’t turned into a serial killed and hacked us to death. When we walk through the doors and we are hit with a wave of heat Jay says “Oh yeah I forgot to mention the air conditioning is broke and it’s stuck on hot, but don’t worry because some left us a message in purple lip stick”. I go into the bathroom to find the message “Owen will fuck you hard in the arse for £50p like a good man”.
We start to settle into the room and finish off our pizza and we all agree it’s the worst pizza any of us have every eaten and we are experts, we are in a band. For the next three hours exhausted and drunk and we play games and jam on a acoustic guitar coming up with the worst songs in the history of pop music and none of us cared. I finally laid down to rest around 6 with the thought running in my head. Best time ever.
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