I was walking down the street, through the town centre and I came across all kinds of characters, all kind of well travelled folk. Walking past a pub at 7 in the morning and seeing a hung over Scottish chap with a baseball cap on with the words, fuck everything written across the top of it. He’s a big bloke, fat belly, un shaven, grey haired man and he’s mad. He’s pissed off because he’s hung over and it’s 7am and he can’t get in the pub. He bangs and bangs on the door and there’s no answer, he’s so pissed off he kicks the door and falls right onto his arse. He doesn’t move, he just lies on the ground and waves his hands in the air, like he’s a ghost reaching out for the angels coming down to pull him upto heaven. He rolls onto his front and pushes himself up and goes back to the door, but he doesn’t do anything, he just puts his hand gently on the door and leans there, staring, he does nothing but stare at it. After a few minutes he stops staring and he pulls down his brown jeans, his black pants and starts to pee all over the door, he starts to laugh likes this is funniest thing that he’s ever done in his life. He pulls up his pants and jeans, laughs once more and gives the door the V sign and in his thick Scottish accent shouts fock you and he walks by me and smiles and heads into the off licence across the road.
I just continue walking, smiling to myself with the thought of the Scottish man pissing up a doorway burnt into head, and then she catches my vision, a small middle aged woman with a black shirt and a long black skirt, she’s handing out leaflets and nobody is reaching out for one. Every person she hands out the piece of paper to just walk by her like she doesn’t exist, she’s invisible, she’s silent to them. I walk over to her and reach out my hand and she hands me one of her leaflets. I read the top “Do you have Jesus in your life”, I smile and say thanks and go to walk away and she speaks up with a squeak.
“Well, do you have Jesus in your life”
“No, I don’t, I’m not a believer”
“Of course you believe, everyone believes”
“No, I really don’t believe, but I’ll read your leaflet anyway”
She has a face of shock and wonder, she can’t believe it, she doesn’t understand that someone doesn’t believe what she believes.
“But, you have to believe, you have to believe in something”
“I believe in people”
“But don’t you believe in the soul”
“Sure I believe in the soul, but not the type of soul you believe, the soul you believe in is just as powerful as the soul I believe in”.
She puts her head in her hands and smiles and laughs and shakes her head, I don’t know whether she agrees with me or thinks I’m going to hell.
“Well I hope your soul stays strong, I hope you can be saved”
“Thank you, I’ll look over this leaflet, I promise”.
And I walk away as she carries on handing out her leaflets, and everyone passes by, still blanking her like a white sheet of paper, but she stays strong and keeps on going as I make my way to the bus stop.
Sitting on the bus waiting for it to take off, I stare out the window at a mum and dad and their young son standing waiting to step foot onto the bus. The mum and dad are arguing over something, but the young boy just stares at his phone, his tiny fingers tapping on the screen, he’s gone, he doesn’t hear a thing behind h s him parents silently yell at each other. The stop up on the bus and all goes quiet, neither of them look at each other, they pair the fair and move on down the aisle way of the bus, the boys focus are still fixed on the phone screen as he takes his seat near me at the back of the bus, his parents sit in-between of him and his mum lays her hand on short blonde hair as she continues to silently argue with his dad. I peak over a little to see what the kid is playing but he spots me and he pulls away and gives me an evil stare, it’s the only time his eyes move away from his phone screen, and he just continues to tap and tap at the game. His mum gently strokes his head his parents get louder, they seem to be fighting over money, bills and rent. Out of nowhere the dad throws up his arms and his shopping bad falls to the ground, he mouths fuck this and presses the bell and walks to the end of the bus while the mum starts to produce a small tear in her eye as she turns to look at her son, whos eyes are still glued to the phone screen, still tapping, still playing his game. His lost in his own world, the surroundings down exist to him. His mum smiles as his dad gets off the bus and walks off down the road. The bus is silent now, only the sound of the bus is the air.
Walking into the shop after getting of the bus I look around at the people behind the till and the only thought that comes to mind is all life has been sucked out of them. As they scan away and tab up the price on their tills I can see the drain and boredom in their eyes, and their dull pale faces. They look like robots set on programme 1 and just placed in front of the till, they have no emotion at all and only respond with the price and a thank you, heres the receipt. I walk up to till number 6, and stand in front of sandy, she doesn’t look as bored as the others but still has a face like shes thinking “I just want to die, atleast a sip of vodka might help and if the world ended it would be great, my life is meaningless, I just want to watch Jeremy Kyle”. She scans my pack of Budweiser and Jack Daniels
I hand over the money and she replies with a thank you and hands me the change and the receipt and I walk away from the till and leave sandy in all her boredom. I try to think when she will finish and what life she has outside of this place, does she enjoy herself, with the bored look on her face I can only think she rather be drinking down a bottle of vodka on a beach in Ibiza while watching topless men walk by. I bet that’s what Sandy wants to do. But instead she has to sit behind a till for 8 hours a day scanning food she doesn’t eat and drinks she doesn’t drink and dealing with awkward people who couldn’t give a fuck about her. I know where I’d rather be, Id rather be out here.
I start to walk home with beer and whiskey with the sound of champagne supernova coming from a window above the post office next to the shop I was. I get to the traffic lights and I notice a man about my age wearing jeans and a scruffy t-shirt walking his dog, a large staff. The dog stops and then takes a long poo next to a bin and the man walks away from it leaving the poo to sit in the sun. A woman from the bank walks out and spots the man and his dog and notices the fresh brown turd laying peacefully on the floor. She runs over the man and taps him on the shoulder and says to him “You going to pick up your dogs shit?”
“I don’t have any poo bags love”
“Well you can’t just leave the shit on the street like that it’s not right”
“Look, I don’t have any poo bags love, what do you expect me to do pick it with my hands and put it in the fucking bin”
“There’s a shop over the road you can go by one”.
I walk over the road as the lights turn green as the full blown war over dog shit is reaching it’s peak. “I don’t have any money on me love to by bags, I’ve only come out to give him a pissing walk” that man says to the woman.
“Well you should have thought about that before you came out”
“I fucking forgot, I don’t want him shitting around the house, now piss off and go bank to work you stupid bint”
“Don’t talk to me like that”
“Oh fuck off” and the man walks off dragging his dog along with him and the woman walks back into the bank as I walk on by. The poo will just have to remain in the street for the time being and cook in the sun.
I walk through my front door, i’m finally home. When I walk through the door I find a package on the floor and I pick it up and open it. It’s my Hunter S Thompson book. I go up to the bedroom put top gear on, sit on the bed and crack open a beer and start turning the pages of the book. But the room is to hot so I go to the window and open it up and that’s when I hear crashes and bangs and screaming coming from down the road. I poke my head out of the window to see what’s going and I young woman is throwing everything out of her house. T.v, Microwave, radio and an X Box all out onto the front lawn. “You’re a fucking cunt, get the fuck out of my house” screams a woman as she walks by a man twice her size, giving a slap for good measure “I don’t want to see your fat arse again, fuck off”. The man remains silent, he just gets into his black Volvo and skids away and out of view leaving all his shit on the lawn. I sit back down on the bad and forget about my book and beer and I fall sleep watching the show.
I wake up an hour later with the sound of more smashing and crashing and I look out the window. The mans back and this time the his lady smashing his Volvo to pieces. She’s got a golf club and she’s banging the shit out the side of it. All the windows have been smashed in, front and back and all the door windows and now she’s turned her attention to the doors. “I’ll fuck your car up cunt” she screams. The man comes running out of the house with a bag and dodges all his shit which is still lying on the lawn like a war zone. He runs out the gate grabs his lady and smacks her right across the face. It was a big fucking slap that only Mike Tyson would be proud of “you can fuck right off” he says as she lays laughing on the floor and he runs of up the street and disappears.
A group of girls come running from across the road, they have been watching the whole event infold and they help the lady up “Just fuck off and leave me alone” she screams in their faces and she runs off in home and slamming the front door and the girls just walk away slowly up the street.
I look at the destruction left behind, it’s like an Oliver Stone movie. Smashed t.v’s and game consoles and glass all over the road from the smashed up car. Only thing missing is bullet holes in the walls of the house and the sound of police sirens echoing in the distance.
It’s too overwhelming, too much savagery for one day so I decide to take my book and sit in the back garden with hopes that I can chill out a little and wake up at the same time. I make myself a whiskey cocktail, two shots of whiskey, lemonade and limeade and a touch of sugar. I call it the energy. So I take the energy and relax in the yard and start reading Thompson. That’s when more destruction comes my way.
I hear the sound of large car speeding and it’s engine revving at high velocity, the sound of it’s tires screeching like wild birds. The sound gets louder and louder, I hear turn onto my street and that’s when the driver hits and the breaks and a loud boom breaks through the air.
It sounds like’s its come to a crashing halt right outside my house so I jump out of my chair throwing my book on the floor and almost spilling my drunk and run through the house and out the front door. I can hear the sound of a light hum, a resting engine as I run to the gate.
I look to the left and I see that a Land Rover has crashed into the neighbours fence, and the driver has gotten out and gone to knock on the door the door, the cars front barely looks damage a small bit of smoke comes from underneath but it doesn’t look like it will explode into a ball of flames anytime soon, if it did it would certainly bring people out of their homes and away from watching loose women .I hear the knocking on the door so I leave the seen and head towards to the upstairs window for a better view of the scene.
I notice when I arrive at the window skid marks all over the road, it looks like the guy has skidded at great speed out the way of something and into the neighbours perfectly preserved fence which has now been destroyed by this freak driver, he’s possibly on some form of narcotic, I notice the man’s face as he walks out of what’s left of the gate with the next door neighbour that he has a crazed look in his eye he must be on some type of upper, speed, ecstasy he’s got a party going on during the early afternoon and his cheeks are bright red, not sun burnt red but the red that you get when your blood pressure has risen above the line of all things comfortable. He’s not a big man either, a small man at that maybe my height, 5′ 6 but he’s stocky but he thought he could ride out the high he’s on by going on a crazed rampage through the streets on the afternoon.
I open the window a little to hear the conversation between the two men “you’re gonna have to pay for this fence mate” says my neighbour “I know you were running late we all do but you’ve obviously gone abit faster than you thought you were going and it’s back fired on you”
“don’t worry, i’ll pay for everything” says the drug fanatic and he pulls out a huge hand full of notes, I can make out £50 notes and the only people who own a lot of property and spend the majority of their time staying awake for 5 days and play chess with the Cadburys gorilla.
“Put your money away for now pal, just give me your number and i’ll phone you and you can come back round here and give me the money when I know how much it will cost” says the neighbour and a calm way, he brushes his fingers through his hair as the crazed driver pulls out his phone and hands over his details.
They both nervously shake hands and the driver gets back into his car backs away from the fence making a crunching and crushing sound as he pulls away and he slowly drives up the street, his car now barely making a noise as he moves.
My neighbour stands over the seen, assessing the utter destruction caused, his wife comes out to look and see’s what’s happened and puts her hands over her face and shakes her head.
They both go back inside leaving the scene and leaving the fence to sit in it’s ruins and I leave the window and go back outside into the garden to calm down, to hopefully get away from the all the madness that is unfolding today.
When I get back outside my book as a snail on it and my glass of energy has fallen on the floor and I don’t know how but I notice that my cat is in the corner of the garden and looks shaken, I sense a feeling of fear from her, she’s sitting with all wide eyed looking at me and slow shaking.
I walk over to her but she panics and runs into the house, I have no idea where she’s been but I think maybe she’s the one that’s caused all this madness with the driver, maybe she caught his drug crazed eye and that’s why the skids in the middle of the road swerved and caused the man to crash. It’s the cats fault and now she’s cost the neighbour a fence and put the fear of cats into the heart of the driver of the car, that’s if he believes that it was all real, maybe he will wake up tonight after sleeping off his high and think he was hallucinating and saw a cat in the middle of the road and thought that he crashed into someone’s fence.
It’s going to be a very interesting phone call for the driver in the next couple of days.
I go back inside the house, hopefully to avoid any more madness and finally find some calm and then phone rings.
I pick it up and the voice on the other end says “You never guess what’s happened”.
This is fake blog and the character Ste Harris is entirely fictional and the writings in this blog are fictional. Some writes may be based around real places and real people but the stories are pieces of fiction and should not be taken literally.
As well, the views and opinions expressed in this blog by the people in them do not come from a personal or private place and should again be viewed as apart of a story.